Ok

Ok I've been trying to think of something to write about for awhile now and I have been feeling this way for awhile but didn't really want to put it out there. Now I want to.

I love our church. I love the people there, they are so nice. The sermons are usually just what I need to hear. But no matter how much I love it, I can't get past the fact that I no longer feel like I fit in there. A few years ago, I was single, all my friends were single and we got together all the time. I know marriage changes your friendships but is it supposed to change it so much that you feel lonely? Now I wouldn't change being married-it really is the best this that ever happened to me. I love my husband and he is my best friend but he can't replace my girlfriends. I miss my girl time......the couples at our church that are around our age and married are either parents or live to far away. I used to have a core group of friends and now we are in such different stages of life that it is hard to find time to get together and if we do, it is weird.  Not that they don't still care for me because I know they do but it isn't the same. I need some friends.

Hubby and I joined a Bible study and I was excited because there were a lot of couples in it. However I still felt like I didn't fit in there....I never felt like I had enough to contribute to the discussion. I don't even get to see my husband that much. I hate that he has to work 2 jobs just to help make ends meet. I want a better life for us but at what cost? At the cost of not seeing my husband? I'm tired of this.

Sunday Sunday!!!

Well, It's been awhile since I updated but each time I come on to update, I sit here and stare at the blank screen because my like is just not that interesting.....well to me anyway......

I love having the weekends off of work. It is amazing. I have time to do the things I need to do and time to just chill if I need it. Last weekend was my BIL's wedding. They had a nice outdoor ceremony and was it hot! I also grabbed shoes on my way out the door and didn't bother trying them on.....well, those shoes don't fit anymore. I wore them for our wedding and didn't really have problems with them but now I am 40 lbs heavier than I was. I miss being that size. I am trying so hard to get back into the groove of being healthy. Each and every time I am doing well, something happens that makes me binge on food. Half the time I eat I am not even hungry and I KNOW that I'm NOT hungry......just because it is there I feel I have to eat it. I am so tired of my clothes not fitting right and feeling fat every day. Looking at pictures from this past weekend made me realize how out of control my eating habits are.

My mom and I are doing a challenge, we are walking 5 miles a week and no sugary snacks/food. I am also going to add french fries to mine. French fries hold no nutritional value and I am seriously addicted to them. If I go to a place that serves them, I want them. There are days where I just want a thing of fries. Really? There are so many more healthy options than french fries. What if I wanted a banana? Or an Apple? or carrots? I mean really? How many things of fries do I have to eat before I realize and care that they are making me fat?!?! hmmm, I should just do a post on french fries.....maybe I will.

Something exciting happened in the last couple of weeks. A friend and I have been kind of at odds for over a year. Mostly it was my fault for being a stubborn evil person. Well, we are working on our friendship again and I can't wait to see where God takes it.

Jeremy got me a Kindle the other day!! I love it! It's so much nicer and lighter than a book. I downloaded a bible on it and used it in church today. It was awesome.

Well I think that is about all I have for now.....hopefully I will update again soon!

Update

Well I haven't updated in awhile. I've been busy with work and church. We joined a couples Bible study and so far we really like it. I also started back helping with kids Praise Team at church. I really missed it....good to be back.

I have started another sewing project that is going to be very time consuming. I keep putting off cutting out the pattern. I promise at some point I will post pictures but it is a surprise for someone and I don't want to ruin it. I finished my runner for the dresser! It looks awesome! Pictures coming soon!

Today we adopted a dog, named Swifty. No, we did not pick the name. He is already somewhat trained. He doesn't go to the bathroom in the house (yet) and lets us know when he has to go out.

Well I will try to update tomorrow with pictures of my dresser runner, if I have time to take them. But for now I leave you with these adorable pictures:

Facelift!

You may or may not have noticed that my blog got a facelift! There are more changes coming as well, I just need time to do them.

This week was good overall. I didn't work at Target until Saturday so I had the week to do what I want. Got some cleaning done and also finished up some projects that I was working on. I promised you pictures of my projects and I can post them now!!!

First, I made a blanket for a friend of mine. She had a little girl and I wanted to make her a blanket. Here is the finished project:

This was soooo easy to make but I would change a few things next time.....

This was my next project:

                        

Currently I am working on a runner to cover our dresser top to lighten it up a bit. I am almost done....I just need to attach the ribbon and done!

I've been working and trying to work out. My point counting has gone out the window. So now I am going to try to update everyday with my point total. If I don't update bug me! Either here or Facebook is fine! Tomorrow is my weigh-in....yikes!

Well I have more to update on but I am too tired to type anymore so I'll leave you with this pic: 

What I have been up to!

I know it's been awhile since I posted but I wanted to let you know what I have been up to. The last couple weeks have been stressful. I've been so tired lately. And I figured out why. I started my period on Friday and have had horrible cramps since then.

ANYWAY.

I have been using my sewing machine like crazy! I am going to post a picture of my most recent project :) I made a purse! I'm so proud of myself. Although I did not come up with the pattern or design myself, I found a tutorial online at Sew Mama Sew. I am going to take pictures tonight and try to post them tomorrow :) I want to get better about taking pictures of things, really I do.

Well I need to get off the computer so I can do some much MUCH needed cleaning.

Ok!

So at my weigh in this week I gained which is no surprise considering I ate like crap on our one year weekend lol. This week I am doing better. I've packed my lunch everyday and have eaten pretty good. Today I forgot my lunch but a client brought us in Olive Garden. I had a large portion of salad and only a small piece of lasagna.

Work is going ok.....it's boring a lot but the people I work with are fun. We get lots of free stuff from clients too. Anything from food to toys. It's great but not so good for the weight loss. When I weighed myself this morning I had lost 3 lbs but that will probably change.

Jeremy and I worked out together today....it felt really good to get back to working out....I've missed it. Hopefully this time it will stick and I won't gain all my weight back.

Well that is all I have for now......

Happy 1 year!

Today is Jeremy and I's one year anniversary. It doesn't seem like it has been a year....time sure goes by quickly!!

I did join WW last week. I haven't been very good this week but I'm having trouble getting into the swing of things again. I've decided that this next week there are no excuses-that I have to do it no matter what if I want to be healthy. If I don't do it now before we have kids, I'll never get to it and will just always hate the way I look. I won't be able to update every day this week but I will try to do at least a couple a week.

I finally got a sewing machine! I already made something for a friend. I will post pictures of my project once I get it to my friend. I don't want to ruin the surprise in case she comes over to my blog ;) It's an awesome project......

Back to the anniversary..... Jeremy bought us tickets to go see the Blue Man Group......and that show was AMAZING! If you ever have the chance to go-you need to. It was funny and the audience participation was great! We spent the whole weekend in Orlando which was nice to just have time with the two of us.

That's all for now as I am so tired.....I need to go to bed. But I will leave you with this picture:

Hello!

Ok So I do have an update!

Monday I am joining Weight Watchers again. This time I am going to stick with it and maintain my weight. I am so sick of none of my clothes fitting and me eating like crap. So Monday I am going after work and joining. I would have liked to go back to my old leader but she doesn't do any on the Tampa side and I really don't want to drive all the way to Palm Harbor.

Jeremy and my anniversary is next weekend. So excited! Can't believe it has been a year already! It has been a good year, thankful that we both have jobs.

I have a sewing machine now! Well, sort of! My aunt and uncle had one they weren't using that they shipped to my mom's house for me!!! I am going to go get it tomorrow.....can't wait! I have so many projects I want to do lol. I love sewing.

well thats it for now....I'll have more to update later I'm sure :)

Massive Update!!

Ok...I know it's been awhile since I updated....almost a month to be exact. So here is everything that has happened in a month.

The Monday after I was in the ER I was online looking for jobs. I applied to one and they actually called me the same day and wanted me to come in for an interview. I interviewed and got the job!! It's full time, the pay is good and the hours are 8-5 M-F. For now I am still working at Target, we will see how long that lasts. I like my new job, it's interesting and fun.

I did have a follow-up appointment with my surgeon and he told me I am good to resume normal activities. I am feeling really well, just a few things I still can't do because the muscles in my back are still healing. Most of the stuff I can't do involve lifting but other than that I am doing really well. I have no more appointments with my surgeon which is great! The mass turned out to be a cyst that I was born with and became inflamed when I had that pain in my side.

Well, I think that is everything that has happened....I'll try to get better about updating. :)

Minor Setback

Well, I was doing really well until Thursday. Thursday I climbed into bed (this was going to be my first night back in bed) and noticed I had a sharp pain on my left side around my lung/heart area. I thought maybe it was indigestion so I went back out to the couch to sleep.

On Friday it progressively got worse. By the time Jeremy got home I was in tears from it hurting....my pain meds were not touching it. So we went into the ER down the road. Since it was around my heart and because I had just had surgery, they thought maybe it was a blood clot. So I had an Xray and a CAT scan. The Xray showed a little bit of blurriness on the lung that was hurting me and they thought maybe I had pneumonia. The CAT scan ruled out blood clots so they decided to put me on antibiotics and send me home. I was never so happy to leave. The whole time we were in the ER I just kept crying and saying that I wanted to go home. That is, when I wasn't getting sick. Just the thought of a hospital makes me sick.

Yesterday was a tough day. I was still in quite a bit of pain and didn't sleep well the night before. I was just so frustrated about being in pain.

Today is a much better day. I feel more comfortable, my pain is better and I don't have the urge to cough as much. I am feeling much better. Glad to be on the road to recovery. I am still going to take it easy for a couple of days so that I can completely heal and not over do it.

Since I have been home for awhile, I have been putting together my resume and submitting it to various jobs. I am looking for an 8-4 or 9-5 job with minimal weekends. Preferably no weekends but if need be I will do it. I submitted my resume to the place my mom works and a few other office/reception jobs. Hopefully I will hear from one of them soon and can start earning the salary a college grad should be earning.

Doing better!

Every day now I get a little better. I am able to lay on my side for longer periods of time which means more sleep! I am still sleeping on the couch because I do still get up multiple times a night and it is easier for me to get off the couch than our bed and this way I don't wake Jeremy up every time I get up.

I am going to try to wean myself off of my pain meds this weekend. I can now go the full 6 hours and at one point was close to 7 hours between doses and I am feeling more uncomfortable than in pain. My ribs are sore. Its odd. They don't really hurt, just kind of ache.

I go back to Target on Tuesday. Looking forward to being able to get out of the house and make some money. I applied for a few office jobs yesterday so we will see what comes of those, along with the job at my mom's office that I submitted my resume for.

Tonight we are going to skype with Josh and Crystal and JT. Can't wait to see my little nephew!

Doc appoitment

Went to the doctor yesterday. He said I am doing really well and that my surgery sites look really good. I am still on restriction so still no driving or lifting or working. I could work if I had a desk job but since I walk around all day and do a lot of bending and lifting, its going to be a couple more weeks.

I did sleep in the bed last night for an hour and then got up and came to the couch because I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. I was awake almost the whole night. This morning I finally fell asleep and slept for a few hours. I am still tired though......

The pain is getting less and less every day so it is improving. Hopefully soon I will be able to lay down on my side or my back. I miss sleeping like a normal person.

Starting the process of looking for a real job (aka not retail) we will see how that goes. Hopefully I can find something that pays well. I need to pay off some student loans and medical bills lol.

2 weeks out

Well I was doing really well and moving right along with my recovery but I have had a minor setback. I decided one day to try laying down on the couch and see if it would hurt because I am so over sleeping sitting up. Well I laid down and got sort of comfortable and ended up falling asleep. I woke up in extreme (like screaming my head off) pain. I had knocked my pain meds forward too but I think I am going to reduce the time between doses again because the last 2 days I have been in a lot of pain. I'm really over this. I want to be able to go out and drive wherever I want and I want to be able to work-even though I don't really enjoy my job.

i go to the doctor for a follow-up tomorrow so I will probably update after that.

Feeling better!

The last couple of days I have been feeling pretty good. There is still soreness but it is nothing like I was dealing with last week. I am slowly trying to push my meds back to every 6 hours and hopefully I will be there Tuesday. 

I am able to get up and down by myself (usually) and each day things get easier. Last night about halfway through the night I got up and climbed into bed because I was so tired of sleeping on the couch. I could only lay there about an hour and then had to have Jeremy help me up and back out to the couch. I want nothing more than to sleep in my own bed again. I am sleeping on the couch in an upright position and can't wait until I can lay down again. 

I have surprisingly been loosing weight. When I came home from the hospital my weight was up but that was because of the fluids they pumped me full of.  I have lost about 3 lbs in 3 days so thats pretty good! Now it just needs to continue:) 

Our friends have been good about bringing us meals so that we don't have to cook. It's really nice to have such good friends. Jeremy has been doing great with the cleaning up after everything. He's the best :)

Well thats it for now.....I'll probably update in another couple of days. I go back for a follow-up on Thursday so hopefully that will bring lots of good news!

One week out....(almost)

Well I am almost one week out from surgery. I am still in quite a bit of pain but most of it is muscle or incision pain. My back is starting to hurt because I can only sleep sitting up and I can't sit in the same position for more than 2 hours or my lung starts spasming. So every two hours I try to get up and walk around a bit.

Jeremy and I got up this morning and went for a little walk to the end of our road which isn't really far but I had to stop a couple of times to rest. The stairs in and out of our apartment kill me. It was really nice in the shade this morning. Then we came back and took showers and were lazy for a bit. Jeremy has been really helpful and actually has been cleaning the apartment since I can't do it. He cleaned the kitchen yesterday and cleaned our bedroom today. He also gets me whatever I need which is great. I'm going to miss him when he goes back to work on Thursday. Hopefully I will be ok by myself. I'm sure I will, it's just kind of scary because I know there are some things that I still can't do......

I tried to push my meds back a half hour so that I could gradually work to six hours between doses instead of 4 but I'm so much pain today. Most of it isn't surgery related-it's female related which sucks even more. I did 4 1/2 all day but I am going to take my next dose at the 4 hour mark.

When I get tired and push it, I get more pain. But at the same time I am so sick of sitting and being cooped up in the apartment. Jeremy and I went to Khol's so I could buy some tank tops with the bras in them since bra straps irritate my stitches. I walked through the store and as soon as we got home and finished dinner I took a nap. I can't wait to be myself again.

Surgery

Well my surgery was Wednesday. I had to be there at 8:30 but my surgery got pushed back when I was in pre-op because of a couple of emergencies. Jeremy and my mom were able to stay with me until I went into pre-op. I know I was there for a long time but I think they must have put me asleep because I don't really remember the majority of it. I remember Dr A coming in to mark me for surgery and waking me up so he could see my back and I remember them moving me to the operating table and putting the mask on. I had an IV in my left elbow and two in my right wrist. I think I had another one too but they removed it before I woke up. The two in my wrist hurt so bad, I couldn't move my wrist.

I remember waking up in such pain that all I could saw was it hurts. They allowed my husband and party to come in and see me in recovery. There were a lot of people in and out during my surgery. By the time it was over it was around 5pm. Jeremy had asked to be let into recovery to see me and I know I asked for him when i woke up. I remember just saying his name over and over and then he was there. Transferring beds was so painful. They had to roll me to one side and stick the pull disc thing under me and then roll me back and repeat on the other bed. I remember that I was getting annoyed because everyone grabbed my wrist to help move me and I had to HUGE IVs stuck in so each time they grabbed them it hurt.

I know I was in and out the first day and was nauseous from the sleeping drugs. I tried to eat ice chips but they made me feel like I was going to throw up. I have no idea what time everyone left but when they were getting ready to leave they asked me if I wanted a popsicle which I did but was afraid I would throw it up so I passed.

The mass was a cyst and it was benign so that was good. It just kind of stinks that I needed to have this big of a surgery to figure out what it was. But it requires no additional treatment and It was removed before it got too big and affected something in my lungs. He was able to leave all my lung and none of it was removed. I'll have to ask him when I go for my follow up where it was attached.

They woke me up like once an hour that night to do my vitals and weigh/xray me. It was so annoying. I wanted to sleep but they would let me. The next nursing shift was in the morning and they helped me get comfortable and out of bed into a chair for a few minutes. It was hard to move because I had so much cords and IVs. I had a chest tube which by the way, are very painful. They hurt more than the surgery itself. The main folio was annoying because I still had the urge to go to the bathroom but I couldn't force anything out.

The first night I had a rash appear on my face. It was red and flaming hot. They gave me a little benedryll to help and it of course knocked me back out. The next day the rash was back. It was never ending and would disappear when the doctor would come to make his rounds.

My IVs were discontinued Thursday night and I begged them to take the one out my wrist which they refused because they needed two IV Access points. My main folio was taken out on Friday morning which was amazing. Those are annoying. When the doctor came around and looked at my rash which actually stuck around he said it was probably from the epidural so they were going to take out my chest tubes and epidural. By Friday evening I was free from tubes and could walk around by myself. It did hurt to walk around by myself and sometimes I would get a little dizzy. Once they removed the epidural it hurt to sleep because I couldn't give myself extra meds with my button before moving. I wasn't convinced it was working until they took it out and saw what it was like without it. It had been working...very well actually. It was hard to sleep or sit without it because I was in so much pain.

The PT came on Friday and Saturday to help me walk around and get up/down a flight of stairs. My feet are currently swollen because I am not moving around enough. Friday night I spent most of the night in my chair because it hurt way too much to lay down. Saturday morning they came and took me for an xray to see if my lungs were ok to go home. The xray was fine. Looked good. So then I had to wait on the doctor to come around and clear me to leave which he did around 2. It was so good to leave. I like being home even if it doesn't have all the easiness of the hospital. I will miss the room service at the hospital. You picked what you wanted off of the menu and they delivered it when it was ready.

I am home now, I slept about 4 hours in our bed and then woke up screaming in pain. It sucks that it takes that much to wake me up because I feel bad about being so loud. Our neighbors probably think he beats me up lol. I got up and sat in a chair for an hour or so and then made myself comfy on the couch. I slept there the rest of the night and was pretty comfy. My only issue is the mucus that I am coughing up. It gets stuck in my throat and I can't cough it up. I had Jeremy buy me one of the bulb syringes and I use that to suction out my throat when it feels like there is mucous in there.

Anyway hopefully in a few days I will feel good enough to have people come over. My husband is doing such a good job taking care of me. I'm so glad I have him to help me through this. I had to wake him up a couple of times last night to help me move which he was fine with and he makes sure I take my meds on time. Today I am allowed to take a shower and I can't wait to wash my hair! I am so tired of bathing out of the sink it is nuts.

The day before.

Well tomorrow is my surgery. When I went in yesterday to get some testing done she told me I was scheduled for 7am which means I would have to be there by 5:15am. Most likely it will stay at that time unless my doctor schedules emergency heart surgery, they always get priority over lung surgeries. It's going to be an early morning.

Yesterday I had some blood drawn, and EKG which was really short, I always thought they would be longer. Then I had to give a urine sample of course. Being a woman is annoying. They get a urine sample every chance they can to check for pregnancy. I guess it is a good thing but it is annoying. I have to have one more urine test before my surgery too.

They are going to call me after 2 to give me my report time for in the morning....I'm just ready for this to be over....

How it all started....

This is my blog that I am going to update to follow my surgery and recovery. I am having major surgery on Wednesday and I am a little scared. A little backstory on how this all happened.....

A couple of months ago I was at work and started to feel short of breath. It was the strangest thing. I brushed it off thinking it was heartburn until the next day when I woke up and it hurt to breathe. My husband took me to urgent care who of course rushed me right in. They ran some bloodwork (8 viles!) and did xrays to check for pneumonia. The xrays were clear of course and the doctor decided to send me for an ultrasound to check my gallbladder and all of my other organs. While we were waiting for that appointment, they called me and told me that the blood test they ran for blood clots came back elevated and that my white cell count was high so they wanted me to go for a CAT scan.

The ultrasound came back around the same time the CAT scan results came back. The good news was that they did not see a blood clot. The bad news? They found a mysterious mass on my lung. So they wanted me to go for a PET/CT scan to see if they could tell what it was.

I had to go see a lung specialist the next week. The original doctor had put me on the Zpack to kill any infection and my pain was much better. The lung specialist had no idea what it was. He wasn't even convinced it was on my lung, it could be on my heart. He referred me to a surgeon to do a scope surgery to remove it. That surgeon saw my CT scan and determined he was not the right person for the job. So I got referred to someone down in Clearwater.

The new surgeon Dr. A (as he will be called here), decided he needed to do a Thoracotomy. (You can click on the link for a detailed summary of what they are going to do if you want. )

Essentially, they are making an incision on my back right side, spreading my ribs to get access to my lung. Once they determine if it is attached to my lung or my heart, that will determine which surgery they do. If it is on my lung, they will just remove the part of the lung it is attached to. If it is attached to my heart, they will have to bypass my heart like open heart surgery, and remove it that way.

I am going to be in the hospital for about 5 to 10 days. I could get released on day 4 if I am doing well and depending on which procedure they end up doing. Once the tissue is removed, it will be sent off to be tested for a variety of things, including cancer.

I'm trying to mentally prepare myself. I have never had surgery (aside from wisdom teeth removal) and have never broken a bone. I'm trying to be calm about it but sometimes I just can't. I get tired of everyone asking me about it every time they see me. I know they care, and want to let me know they do, but at the same time, the more I talk about it- the more freaked out I get.

Part of the reason I started this blog is because I am tired of telling people what is going on. They can come here and read it, and I don't have to talk about it anymore.

I just want this horrible thing to be over. I want to know what it is so that my mind can rest. I am going crazy with the "what ifs".

I will update after my pre-op appointment on Monday, I promise :)